As an ongoing experiment this year in Big League Fantasy Football, the weekly write-ups will be authored courtesy of various members of the League. If you would like to contribute a post, let Turner know.

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Written by Cooper DeJean is not my lover

Week 3 has come and gone and there was plenty of excitement, blocked kicks and defensive touchdowns to be had. I want to do something a little different and pay homage to the great Chris Berman with this guest writeup, so without further ado here is “Fastest Three Minutes with Cooper DeJean is Not My Lover.”

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Whoop! After their narrow win, Eating Poop @ The Eagles Parade may want some mouthwash to get the taste of Parker Romo out of their mouth. His negative two points was not enough to rain on their parade however as breakout player Tre Tucker had three tucks and Rhamandre Stevenson fumbled the matchup away for Southport Skegs.  Woke Up and Chose Violence did exactly that as they boiled Oodles of Noodles into a sauceless pasta. Not even CeeDee’s early injury could stop this from being a blowout as the Saints went marching backwards towards a big loss.

Kingpins of Crime left behind a body as they absolutely murdered Depressed Colts Fan on the gridiron. The Vikings defense dismembered the Bengals offense as Penix Jr’s flaccid performance was not nearly enough in this high scoring matchup. Jordan might not love Younghoes anymore as his namesake kicker got cut from the Falcons, but they had bigger problems as they lost a close matchup to Cooper Station. Mandrews and Monty led a furious comeback for the victors but maybe Jordan shouldn’t have listened to my predecessor as his choice of kicker Graham Gano ensured that the Jonathan Taylor led team ran to victory.

The Good Guys had their way with Riley Read Option as Deebo and Wicks sucked and blew their way to a blowout loss. T.J. hocked tuah all over his opponents and it was easy Pickens for the winning team. It is always refreshing when teams are honest, but there are no extra points for team name accuracy as Bad at This was well, bad at this, and lost an uncompetitive match to Up!!!

Regarding the age old question of Who’s Nailin’ Jalen, the answer ironically seems to be Carson Wentz. The old Eagles QB got some measure of revenge as his defense wrapped up a strong win for the Fighting Methodists as Maserati Marv looked more like a Mazda and dropped the ball for his team. H-O-T-T-O-D-E-E-B-O was doing plenty of snapping and clapping as he body rolled his opponent in one of the largest blowouts of the weekend. Beaver Blitz’s dam failed as Nabers and Flowers could only muster 3.3 points each which was not nearly enough to stop D(K+J).

WinnersWin must be referring to other teams because they sure didn’t against Pay Day Gray in another stomping. Both teams produced bagels, but when one is from Lamb and the other from someone named “Tylan Wallace,” I think it’s clear who had the more successful weekend. Krusty Krab Pizzas dropped a bomb on TheNuke even while choosing a kicker who, well, didn’t kick. Run CMC turned back the clock to 1945 as he blasted his team into the win column.

Freakofnature needed every big score he could get against their opponent, but did they get too greedy by picking so many high end players this week? His opponent may Trust the Lannisters but they won’t be trusting Zach Ertz anytime soon, even so coincidentally his 6.8 points perfectly cancelled out his opposing TE. Scrantonicity 7 only needed 5 to put the brakes on Skid Marks. Even so the winner was the one with Brown streaks running on the field, the new King Henry saved the day at the TE position and the Vikings finished the job in one of the closest matchups of the week.

Drew Crew showed that might is right in their matchup against Ward and Peace as the more aggressive team won even with a soft scoreline from Penix Jr. The losers wasted a big performance from Jordan Mason and probably wish they had just went to the negotiation table instead. Hock Out with My KOC Out flashed Dez Still Caught It with their Seacock, i mean Seahawks, defense and while the opposition kicker was Reichard that was not enough to bring the Hock down.

The Los Angeles ICE-melters did not select any LA players but still managed to burn the Green Bowl Packers with strong showings from the running backs. The only high for the losers was that they didn’t seem to waste any elite players but the comedown from this match may make for a tough week. Endzone Jones must have showed the Vikings defense where to go as their two trips to the house were enough to send Rusty Ryan and the All Reds back to the scrap heap where they belong. They could only muster up a half Chubb in opposition as the Rome-n Empire extended their territory into the win column.

Yours truly did not need so many points to put away the Zurich Fins, as their roster had more holes than Swiss Cheese. While the Colts neighed and cancelled out the defensive scores, Bill took his talents to Hollywood and ensured that this was the most stress-free matchup of the weekend. And last but certainly not least, Hancocky Bastard could only watch from the cuck chair as She Sucks My Boswell finished with another victory. Last week’s columnist took their own advice and started Graham “Oh No” Gano but managed to eke out the win as James Conner could only watch from the cart as his team produced a stinker.

Week 3 Superlatives

Highest Scoring Team: Kingpins of Crime (172.12)

Lowest Scoring Team: WinnersWin (68.04)

Biggest Blowout: Cooper DeJean is not my lover (+74.28) vs  Zurich Fins

Closest Matchup: Cooper Station vs Jordan Loves Younghoes (4.18)

Highest Score in a Loss: Dez Still Caught It (133.64)

Lowest Score in a Win: Woke Up and Chose Violence (100.32)

Best Find: Tre Tucker (40.9 pts)Biggest Bust: CeeDee Lamb (0 pts)