Did ya miss me? Here we are, once more. Another trip ’round the sun and the regular season of Big League Fantasy Football has come and gone.

Before we continue, take a moment to self-assess.

Did you do your best? Did you give it your all? Do you have regrets? Too bad! It’s December, and it’s officially nut-crunching time.

Getting into the nitty-gritty, here is the playoff picture.

This was… not what I expected! Several teams took a precipitous tumble down the standings, while yours truly shook up the #3 seed in a heated Penne Divisional showdown.

Instead of the categories that we’ve gotten so cozy with, let’s break down the season in a deluxe Big League Fantasy Football regular-season finale write-up!

Ravioli Division:

Final rankings: 1) Rusty Ryan and the All Reds (8-6), 2) Fighting Methodists (8-6), 3) Jordan Loves Younghoes (8-6), 4) hancocky bastards (6-8), 5) Southport Skegs (5-9), 6) WinnersWin (4-10)

Does it come as a shock to anyone in Big League that this division ended as tight as it did? A three-way tie at the top between an 8-6 record isn’t quite a glory-strewn showdown as much as a sand-slinging, last-punch-wins street fight. But we wouldn’t expect anything less than fierce competition from the Division with the most year-over-year consistency. 104 points separate Younghoes from RRatARs, and while that is roughly an extra week’s worth of points, it’s not an insurmountable sum that could’ve been picked up along the way. Overall, the Raviolis had an average placement of 20.17 (NOTE: all six divisions have an inflated average placement due to the way 14 playoff teams work into 36 overall among six divisions; compare against last year’s average placements, where an entire division averaged in the playoffs.) 20.17/36, though, is the second-worst placement, mostly owing to the in-fighting among the Raviolis, demonstrated by the almost even record in the divisional games.

Week 14 was the most critical matchup, though, seeing as Methodists could’ve claimed the Divisional crown with a decisive 9-5 record, if not for a jaw-dropping 37.84 goliath point drop from Josh Allen. Skegs knew they had no shot to make the playoffs, so why not open up the trunk and see what crawls out? For his part, Matt and the Methodists probably knew that a playoff berth was predetermined and rostered a respectable lineup that didn’t expend high capital. Elsewhere, we had the matchup between bastards and the winning Rusty Ryan. Andie is just two years out from hoisting the big trophy, yet this year I had to send reminder after reminder. She even suffered a fine for an empty lineup! Nonetheless, her all-late-game roster was a fighter… just not against the sheer might of the All Reds team: Josh Allen, James Cook, JT, JJ, Jame-o, JSN — what a second? Did I just solve fantasy? Only use players with a J-name. Jason Meyers, too! We end this divisional dissection with a peek at Younghoes and WinnersWin. Listen, did Younghoes steal a playoff spot from a more deserving team? Who’s to say? But I want to thank WinnersWin for competing this year. They never submitted an empty and never complained. They were the last team to join our ranks and saved us from a mathematically impossible 35-team league. I don’t know if Craig will come back next year, but at least he introduced us to technically eligible players like “Teagan Quitoriano”, “Joshua Cephus”, and “Jermar Jefferson”. Just all-time stuff.

Penne Division:

Final rankings: 1) The Los Angeles ICE-melters (10-4), 2) Up!!! (10-4), 3) Freakofnature (9-5), 4) Kingpins of Crime (8-6), 5) Krusty Krab Pizzas (4-10), 6) Oodles of Noodles (4-10)

HEY HEY HEY! LOOK WHAT I DID! YOUR Los Angeles ICE-melters WON the Penne Division. Yeah, I’m pretty happy. This Division was a monster. If we awarded “most improved”, I think it would have to go to Up!!! who improved from #19 out of 40 teams last year, to the first Wild Card team this year! Consider that glow up and then consider the supercomputer that is Freakofnature, a team too busy thinking about target shares that he can’t be bothered to include spaces in his team name. Yeah, Sel cleaned up this year… again. Kingpins was never a slouch either, though, holding the division lead several times. (I actually thought that Tosh was going to take it all the way at certain points.) And rounding out the bottom are two massive question marks. Oodles and Pizzas have the same record and are only separated by WinnersWin in the overall ranking, but they feel so, so different! Rob and the Pizzas have never submitted an empty, but so often he’ll throw in an Amari Cooper or a Devonta Freeman in his lineup, and I feel like he’s playing fantasy in Interstellar or something. And Oodles… well, every year has at least one. The League thanks you for keeping us all on our toes!

To zone in on this week, though, the most important matchup was between Freak and me. I made some calculated decisions to roster Thursday Night gridiron-ers, Dak, TeSlaa, and Aubrey. I also made further adjustments to upgrade my tight end to McBride and a wideout to Davante Adams — were those adjustments strictly necessary? Probably not. But I consider myself extremely lucky to survive the potential throttling that would be handed to me by Henry, Darnold, Breece, JSN, and others. Now, Sel and I are on opposite ends of the playoff bracket, and we’ll only see each other in the championship, if we do at all. Time will tell. Overall, the Penne division ended dominantly, taking home the #3 seed and the first two wildcard spots. We touted a 17.33/36 average placement, which is actually tied for “middle place” in the league this year. However, I firmly believe that one of me, Up!!!, and Freak will take it all home.

Macaroni Division:

Final rankings: 1) Dez Still Caught It (9-5), 2) H-O-T-T-O-DEEBO (8-6), 3) Drew Crew (8-6), 4) Skid Marks (6-8), 5) Cooper DeJean is not my lover (6-8), 6) Riley Read Option (4-10)

The Macaroni division cares about one thing only. Points. Macaroni teams finished 3rd, 5th, 11th, 12th, 23rd, and 26th in total points. The Division, meanwhile, boasts the second-best placement of 17.17/36. And I gotta tell ya, I don’t really understand everything here. One big caveat is that Riley Read had to be reminded pretty much every week since Labor Day to submit a lineup after finishing second overall last year. Take that slacker out of it, and you have Five Guys giving it their all. Between Dez and Skid Marks, you have two of the best teams to ever do it. And then between Cooper Dejean and DEEBO, you have two of the most tenacious, never-say-die, calculating in-the-trenches teams we’ve had! And between them all is Drew Crew, who has picked up this concept quicker than almost anyone (more on the quickest picker-upper later).

What’s so fascinating in this division was the realization that Skid Marks effectively had a playoff spot secured about a month ago. Because our last playoff spot is dedicated to the highest point amassing team that hasn’t already secured a playoff spot, Skid Marks could look around and realize there was no true competition, well, maybe (again, more on that later). Thus, the race for the division crown became paramount. Cooper Dejean sadly fell off late in the season with too many poorly timed losses; meanwhile, the ever-elite Dez pieced together enough wins through his impressive point tally to be in position to take the Macaroni. This meant that DEEBO and Drew Crew became the most interesting players to look at. What resulted was an all-important week 14 matchup between Skid/Drew (if Drew wins, he’s in with maybe the division) AND DEEBO/Dez (if DEEBO wins with enough points, he’s in). The result? One of the most fascinating outcomes in League history — Skid Marks, with a losing record, leapfrogs a divisional rival to claim the “points spot” and DEEBO outscores Drew by points in overall standings.

It’s kind of a quagmire, but if you don’t like that… then you just don’t like Big League Fantasy Football, sonny.

Spaghetti Division:

Final rankings: 1) Hock Out With My KOC Out (9-5), 2) Ward and Peace (8-6), 3) Zurich Fins (8-6), 4) The Good Guys (8-6), 5) Scrantonicity 7 (6-8), 6) Beaver Blitz (5-9)

And here in the classic Spaghetti division, we have another hot mess. Cutting to the chase, HOC Out used a ‘get out of jail free card’ to bypass the 8-6 frenzy by playing a checked-out Beaver Blitz who somehow accumulated 0 points this week (really, Ravens? Couldn’t score something here?). Flom and the KOC Outs deserve a bow, a welcome party, and any other fanfare the state of Minnesota can afford. Flom and all of his Viking-themed team names have been LONG SUFFERERS in the Big League format. He even had the longest active losing streak in League history. Yet, now? He sits as a division winner, earning his money back and a real shot at the big one. So, again, cutting to the chase, HOC Out With My KOC Out logged in Sunday morning, saw that no one showed up, and probably went to bed. Elsewhere, the division was ablaze with chaos. Ward and Peace, Zurich Fins, and The Good Guys all had very legitimate resumes, applying for playoff pathways, if not the Spaghetti crown itself. The Good Guys finally awoke from a COVID hibernation, returning to game shape after a several-year stay in the bottom half of the league. Ward and Peace, for their money, really stayed with it, week in and week out, born out by their 10th overall points total. And then Zurich Fins… Let’s talk about this Swiss-Brazilian Dolphin fan. The guy lives across the world, has never played Fantasy before, yet became an imminent threat to the League writ large, inspiring fear in every opponent. In any case, the Spaghetti division landed at 17.33/36 (tied with Penne).

These three teams enter week 14 with something to gain and a lot to lose. Here’s what happened: The Fins and The Guys both shelled out. Mahomes, Achane, Cook, JT, Puka, JJ, CeeDee, Pickens, Warren, Bowers, the Broncos, the Bucs. Both teams spared no expense, knowing their neck was on the line. The Good Guys needed to win and maybe take the division, and the Zurich Fins needed to win AND make ground on points to have a chance at a Wild Card spot. All those All-Pros netted a competitive game that was sealed by a Puka storm. But it didn’t quite matter because Ward and Peace rostered a very savvy team, led by Christian Watson, against Scrantonicity 7, thus tying up the division in a three-way tie at 8-6. Luke and the pieces inched ahead of Rafi and the Fins by about 40 points, and the rest is history. Truly one of the crazier photo finishes we’ve had.

We’ll end our look at the Spaghetti division with a moment for Scrantonicity 7 — my beloved co-commish. When the Playoff Watch debuted this season, I thought you were sure to make the top 14. You were winning! But somewhere, the losses started accumulating, and the players weren’t picking up the slack. You simply can’t start Adrien Martinez at QB with a straight face.

Farfalle Division:

Final rankings: 1) Woke Up and Chose Violence (11-3), 2) In the Lannisters We Trust (7-7), 3) TheNuke (6-8), 4) Green Bowl Packers (6-8), 5) Bad at This (5-9), 6) Depressed Colts Fan (3-11)

I declare the Farfalle division as the most anomalous division in Big League Fantasy Football history. By a decent margin, this is the least tenured division that I’ve ever assembled (only Bad at This has been around since the beginning). The idea was that these teams could really bounce around and form their own identity. What I didn’t expect was the crushing and unrelenting domination of Woke Up and Chose Violence. Such an aggressive team name can look really silly if you’re bad or even middling, but, boy, Chandler has announced himself as a threat. And everyone best know his name! The Division, per se, was never really out of his grasp; however, the #2 spot could yield the right team a Wild Card spot. This must be what Ian and the Lannisters were thinking as they jumped out to a very solid positive record through the majority of the season. However, they hit a skid when they started working weekends. This real-life complication is unfortunate, but also avoided with a decent amount of foresight and planning (no blame! Just saying!). Similarly, but to a lesser degree, Green Bowl Packers were always a consistent threat to spell defeat (they sure beat the socks off me!). Jake knows 1-52 on most rosters better than just about anyone I’ve met, but even the most replete ball knowledge doesn’t stand a chance against the stupid, dumb luck of other teams who break the right way. Jake and the Packers made a week 14 stand against Lannisters in a week-topping 169.24 points, but that just wasn’t gonna make up for the differences in the loss column.

The season was less dynamic and more curious for the likes of TheNuke & Depressed Colts Fan, who has got to be feeling it right now. Who knows? Maybe Phillip Rivers got better over the last four years of retirement? That’s how these things go, right? But these teams, I wasn’t sure exactly what happened. TheNuke actually ended up tallying 6 wins, which doesn’t happen by accident (unless it did). But TheNuke would also shoot themself in the foot, playing injured players, retired players, players on bye. All with warnings from me and others. The phrase is unforced error. And Clay, the Colts fan. I fear that real life also got in the way and Big League became a backburner priority — and you know what, that’s ok. After all, this is but a silly game, let’s remind ourselves :). These teams dragged the division down to a league-worst 22.67/36 placement. However, this lopsidedness is easily seen from a scan at the standings.

I reserve the final portion of this for Bad at This. And those with long memories may remember that I did this last year, too. WHAT HAPPENED! WHY DOES IT KEEP HAPPENING! How did you get on God’s bad side! Year after year after Fantasy-nightmarish year, you find yourself at the bottom of your division! Yet this year, I see you found a loophole. You didn’t have to win as long as you scored points. I discovered your gambit only recently when I sorted by points. You are 6th overall in total points — an impressive feat that spoils any theories that you haven’t heard of football. If you could only catch that coveted 14th seed by scoring the most points, you’d finally enter the post-season. This week, you tried your best, clearly, scoring 148.34. Perhaps Skid Marks would rest on laurels, allowing you to neck out the lead. But a life-sentenced prisoner knows better than to put hope in appeals. Nay, you were 32.65 points away from snatching that last gasp of seeing week 15. Man! Next year, it has to be yours. I’ll book the bet.

Fusilli Division:

Final rankings: 1) Endzone Jones (10-4), 2) Cooper Station (9-5), 3) Pay Day Gray (7-7), 4) Eating Poop @ The Eagles Parade (7-7), 5) She Sucks My Boswell (6-8), 6) Who’s Nailin’ Jalen? (6-8)

Last but not least, we have the Fusilli Division. And, man, maybe I’m just running out of steam in this long-winded write-up, but I don’t know what to say here. It’s kind of obvious. Endzone won the whole shebang last year, so it’s no surprise he landed the #2 seed and scooped the division. Cooper Station authored, perhaps, the most memorable write-up, but otherwise was a surprisingly steady, winning force in the league. Pay Day Gray — the once-upon-a-time juggernaut– found some former glory to accrue an even record this year. And then you have a flailing trio of Eating Poop, Nailin’ Jalen, andBoswell. Those guys just couldn’t find a rhythm to work on! Despite all of this mishigas, the Fusilli division placed BEST at 16.33/36 teams.

Even week 14 was somewhat of a flat tire. The two Eagles fans fought against each other in a meaningless game. Boswell smacked Endzone upside the head with a 144.06 bruising that didn’t matter since Endzone had a playoff berth locked up. The exception to the lackluster finale lay in the Pay Day Gray / Cooper Station showdown, where Pay Day had DeVonta Smith as his last vestigial hope to win in Monday Night Football. Cooper desperately needed to win to make a case for a Wild Card spot. Pay Day is only playing spoiler, but as we all know this most recent Monday Night Football game was the dud of all duds to suffer through. Cooper wins by the skin of his teeth.

Going into the playoffs, we do have one of the most interesting matchups to watch. Cooper faces off against Freakofnature, which will be exciting in its own right — Sel being toppled from #3 to #8th! But the winner plays Endzone Jones. Either we get the 3rd matchip between Cooper Station and Alan OR Alan and Sel, two older timer titans, tilt.

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That’s it! I’ll post updated bracket screenshots as the weeks go on. We’ll do something fun with the write-ups in the offseason, but for now, good luck!