So, the original vision for these postseason write-ups was to get quotes from all the losing teams, but I only heard back from one (kudos to Up!!! for being a good sport. His closing words: “good luck to the remaining women and POC in the league!”). All class.
Here is the bracket for the coming week of playoff matches:
In the absence of six quotes, we’ll just go game by game for some classic Turner-style fantasy football analysis. Let’s get started!
Cooper Station (144.8) vs. Freakofnature (107.9)
Daniel may have slept through plenty of train stops earlier this season — needing reminder after reminder — but the buck stopped at Cooper Station. Daniel didn’t even blink when he saw his matchup was the 10-foot-tall Goliath that is the Freakofnature. Rather, Daniel looked at his slings and arrows and took a breath of true resolve. Smarter, not harder. The roster point totals speak for themselves. A season-long top QB performance from T-Law basically sealed this matchup tight against Sel, who made the savvy but wrong decision to play Cool Joe Burrow. Diving into the numbers and using our handy-dandy Player Performances tab, Trevor Lawrence put up the best week for a fantasy QB this year (Josh Allen coming in second, fourth, and sixth hilariously). Trevor Lawrence’s next best week for fantasy this year places #53. Then, #119. Lawrence has emphatically NOT been the answer. This was a precision dagger of roster management, and it was done at the perfect time.
Trevyon was AMAZING, but there’s not much to really say there. The other true diamond in the rough is Colby Parkinson, who just came out of nowhere with 24.5 points. This was actually a massive week for tight ends (unless you played for the Ravens), with Pitts, McBride, Waller, Goedert, Parkinson, Kittle, and Schultz ALL going over 20 fantasy points.
On the other side of the aisle, it’s hard to fault Sel for pretty much anything. This roster wins in 99/100 matchups. But Daniel Doctor Strange’d this thing and took home the dub. This is the fifth year of the league, and Sel has sniffed the crown numerous times, coming up just shy every year. We’ll have to wait 12 turns of the calendar to see if the man can do it all again. But if the Chiefs have taught us anything this year, it’s that winning is hard to do, and hard on you.
Hock Out With My KOCOut (129.2) vs. H-O-T-T-O-DEEBO (134.3)
In the matchup of letters (30+ keystrokes between the team names), the one that spelled it out for you took it home in a battle of patience. Friends Flom and David/Brian tilted in this once-divisional, now Wildcard matchup. I don’t know, but I hope there are dozens of trash-talking texts that capture the drama of this matchup. The first deceitful maneuver lies the skillful, if not maybe a little underhanded, technique that DEEBO used: they submitted a partial lineup and then filled the rest out over the course of Sunday. I don’t know how they manicured it so perfectly, but they must’ve had a hunch that this was enough — more like EXACTLY enough though! The man-to-man matchup counts three neutralizations in name (Lamar, JSN, and JAX) and then a fourth in the kickers, tying in exact points. However, there’s really a fifth neutralization at RB1 where Jeanty scored 8.2 for Hock and Irving scored 8.1 for DEEBO. That means, we are really only looking at two wideout matchups, the tight end slog, and the remaining running back competition.
All in all, it mostly equaled out by the end of Sunday. Entering MNF, Waddle just needed a few catches for a respectable number of yards. To be exact, he needed 9.8 points to win the matchup for Flom. Alas, he did not. Waddle hauled in 2 of his 4 targets for 26 stanky yards. No touchdown. Meanwhile, Waller just had a field day. Truly, no one knows anything.
Not gonna lie, folks! I wrote DEEBO off! I advanced Flom in the playoff bracket, but that was wrong. The lesson we should all take away is to never trust Jaylen Waddle. Just tell yourself a lie if you have to. He kicked your dog. He spat in your food. You can’t trust that Waddle guy!
So, David/Brian end Flom’s one moment of peace in Big League. Oh well, I hear he’s got a pretty sick dynasty team somewhere else.
Jordan Loves Younghoes (139.96) vs. Dez Still Caught It (179.2)
This 39.24 point blowout is an exemplar roster that screams to its opponent: tomorrow is never promised, better to live today. While both rosters from Hayden and Miller sport some of the best positional talent available, Dez Still Caught It has certainly still got it. He wasted no time in assembling CMC and Barkley (just two of the most impressive ballcarriers in recent memory) to accompany fellow studs, Amon-Ra, Puka, and Emeka. Amon-Ra St. Brown, who is only 26y/o by the way, tallied an unfathomable statline of 13 catches on 18 targets for 164 yards and two scores. Bryce Young, Drake Maye, and Lamar Jackson didn’t pass for that much by themselves this week! That alone afforded Miller and the Caught Its some breathing room, but wait — here comes Puka! The rhyming Ram himself had a career-best 181 yards this week, scorelessly. The Stafford king-making potential is something to be studied, truly.
The unleashed hose of fantasy points that Miller had his hand on, unfortunately, extinguished an extremely solid assembly that Younghoes put together. Everyone rostered has high upside, and more importantly, lots of touchdown potential. Nico, for his money, made good with three catches, two of which crossed the end zone. Kittle, Wilson, and Irving all scored as well, but Hayden learned something with this matchup. Just because you got boatraced doesn’t mean you weren’t going fast.
Hayden and his questionably named team have carved their initials all over the cell wall of Big League, making their presence known. But even his 139.96 point total is 6th/12 in this week’s playoff matchup. I think this guy has what it takes, but he just went up against a runner-up, a former winner, and someone whose team name indicates he has an elephant’s memory. Next up for Dez, a familiar matchup against his pal, DEEBO.
The Los Angeles ICE-melters 75.8 vs. Skid Marks (80.4)
This one………………hurts. I played my Dad and lost. I’ll get this out of the way first — I’m not mad because my old man beat me. I’m mad at Justin Jefferson.I WAS ROBBED! Back to whatever sense of neutrality I can possess, Skid Marks and me, the ICE-melters, got lucky. We lose in a Fleetwood Mac landside to any other team. Remarkably, we independently arrived at the same plays of Burrow, Marks, and Likely. Thus, we both withstood those three massive underperformers. Dad, however, came into Sunday with the tidy sum that Mike Evans accumulated. But I wasn’t worried! I got the LSU reunion — Chase & Jefferson, with A.J Brown to boot. On the other side of the ball, Skid Marks rostered TWO Washington wideouts, which should’ve made for disaster. Instead, he was pretty ok with that.
We enter Sunday night football where I watch every play of the game. And. Justin. Jefferson. Can’t. Catch. The. Ball. It was agonizing. A touchdown called back and another that zipped through his hands like a hot potato were enough for me to throw my TV off the balcony. A reasonable person might say, why are you so mad at Justin? Your kicker didn’t score a point. While that is true, the Bengals were shut-out. It’s a different thing, entirely. Plus, I root for the Ravens, so I’m ok with that. This was a calamity, plain and simple. A disaster of epic proportions. I won my division in a week 14 showdown with Sel (also knocked out this week). Meanwhile, my Dad went on a point-scoring warpath to secure the 14th seed in the final month.
To conclude, though, I’m rooting for him. If anyone can whip up fantasy magic from tatters and scraps, it’s Skid Marks. He’s got a tough bracket to contend against, and it will take every ounce of cunning and inspiration, but maybe for the first time he’ll hoist the digital Big League trophy.
Ward and Peace (145.32) vs. Ryan and the All Reds (160.3)
The final Spaghetti representative, Ward and Peace, makes their exit in this epic showdown in the Wild Card round. Like many of the losers in this round, I can’t truly fault them at all. Luke was able to save so many blue-chip, fantasy greedy players that it’s commendable. This is Luke’s second appearance in the postseason in two years, after three years of middling performances. He’s making a name for himself. But sadly, he just didn’t pick the right fireworks. Moose and the All Reds picked all the aforementioned all-stars of week 15. Puka and his heroic yardage, Scary Terry and his reliable double digits, and Kittle make for a strong foundation. Bijan ,though, was the secret sauce. Thursday night players are gambles sometimes, you can’t pivot away if it looks bad. But against a Falcons team that is driving against traffic, Bijan was able to split the lanes and create fantasy goodness.
Wins are won on the margins, and we can look there for this matchup, too. Rusty Ryan’s kicker and DST recorded 28 points, more than their fair share needed for victory. Meanwhile, Luke betrayed his namesake (Ward and Peace), opting to roster the opposing defense in the hopes that they’d shut down Cam. Against God’s wishes, the Titans actually scored meaningful offensive points. Did someone chuck a salt-dipped black cat under a ladder? The Niners’ D put up a fat donut, and that helped seal the deal for Ward and Peace. It is so conceivable that San Francisco could’ve returned a pick 6 or fumbled for a score, but none of it happened. So, Rusty Ryan and the All Reds get to play Skid Marks.
Up!!! (149.9) vs. Fighting Methodists (156.92)
Rounding us out is the 3rd loss of the Penn Division, playoff hopeful teams, Up!!! at the winning, bloody, and bruised hands of Fighting Methodists. Once again, it all came down to a player in primetime. What will Ceedee Lamb do? That’s what both Craig and Matt had to ask entering Sunday night. The answer, somewhat boringly, was a pretty good but not exceptional game of 6 for 10 with 111. I’ll give credit to each team for a specific find. Up!!!’s selection of Tyrone Tracey Jr. was a sneaky AMAZING pick against a sputtering Washington defense that let TTJ score on the ground and through the air. Meanwhile, the Methodists made the bold choice to roster DJ Moore after he’s only cracked 10 points in 1/3 of the games this season. It paid off, though! Moore scored twice after last week’s negative yardage total.
Eulogizing, Up!!! started the season 0-3 and emerged as a write-off for the Penne division and the league at large. But instead, they took the opportunity to take the punches and rear a mighty head. Sadly, no one is a match for the mighty Protestant will of a Fighting Methodist. Using the power of work ethic, mass literacy, and good works, God himself declared Matt the victor. Sorry, everyone else, it was written.
Matt is next up against a powerhouse in the form of a rested EndzoneJones. Think snorlax vs pikachu. However, I’d put money on Matt. This guy wants to win and, heck, he’s got the Holy Ghost on his side and that. has to count for something.
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That’s all! Best of luck, and get in touch if you have feedback!
