Week 4. Each recap this season has started with “week” followed by the number week it is. Far be it from me to break the trend. Feels good to be addressing the league again after my inaugural season concluding email from atop the podium. Yes, I still hate the Cow(boy)s. No, I still haven’t played a single Cows player in any week of any season. Go motherfuckin birds.
Highest Scorer: Beaver Blitz (165.48 points)
Beaver Blitz logged on to submit a lineup Sunday morning and appears Woke Up and Chose Violence (Honorable mention this week). Despite playing Caleb “Throw a Pick in the Endzone” Williams, they managed to put up an impressive 165 points. Turns out Puka Nacua is pretty good. It also helps to have the literal fused King of the Gods on your team. Then again, maybe it’s worth saving that kind of firepower for later. Not a bad showing from the Detroit Lions defense either, but I bet Ward and Peace is glad it wasn’t close enough that the Lions D/ST made a difference. Imagine losing an entire week because a D/ST puts up 32 points. Wow what a fun position!
Biggest Blowout: The Los Angeles ICE-melters vs. Oodles of Noodles (77.48 points)
Now I’m not going to call this game rigged (or insinuate that the commissioner abused his power and wealth to get an easy win here), but let’s look at some eyebrow raisers on Oodles of Noodles. Zack Moss: Not rostered on a professional football team. Scary Terry: Not so scary at all when he’s sitting on the bench the entire game. Jason Sanders: On injury reserve. [The rest of this section has been redacted for not complying with Big League Fantasy Football’s user agreement]
Closest Call: Zurich Fins vs. Scrantonicity 7 (1.56 points)
Double commissioner featured week! That’s what I’m talking about. However, commissioner-managed Scrantonicity 7 failed to find another couple points in what was a solid all-around effort from both teams. We’d have to get into some historical data here, but I bet this is one of the highest scoring matchup totals where both QBs didn’t reach 15 points. In other news, crazy that Omarion Hampton and Quentin Johnston combined for over 50 points and still lost to the Giants.
Best Find: Puka Nacua (36 points)
Four teams found Puka Nacua this week (Kingpins of Crime, Beaver Blitz, TheNuke, WinnersWin). Nacua found 170 yards and a touchdown to take the Rams past Indiana Jones in the state of Indiana’s biggest loss since the Pacers got publicly humiliated in Game 7 of the NBA Finals this year (RIP The Haliban). Sad!
Biggest Bust: Anyone on Cincinnati
Jake Browning: not good! Anyone on the Bengals offense without Joe Burrow: also not good! Yikes.
I’m not feeling particularly chatty right now, so I’ll simply leave you with a best of luck, until next time, and please stop submitting defenses into your lineups.
Inaugural Champion
Who’s Nailin’ Jalen
