Week 7 Recap

words of wisdom:

“Don’t play Cowboys players” –Adam Schefter’s Sources

Week 7 is mercifully over. With six backup quarterbacks seeing snaps in the league, football fans had to suffer plenty of eyesores. Moreover, there were plenty of backup-worthy quarterback performances across the board. However, fantasy football inexorably moves on, and so must this write-up.

Housekeeping:

1. Payments! I’m sending out reminders today for those who have not contacted me. Don’t be last to venmo me (there may be something down the pike for that team).
   • • Adam Schefter’s Sources (+1 penalty)
     • Titan Your Butthole
     • Pay Day Gray
     • Bob Barker’s House of Pain
     • Southport Skegs
     • lansing leopards
     • team Web (+1 penalty)
     • Just Setting Lineups So I Don’t Get Fined
     • AR5 Fan Club
     • Scorebox Munchers
2. The site is fully operational as of now. Please let me know if there is a bug you’re noticing or something you’d like tweaked.
3. The rules and league format allow for afternoon, SNF, and MNF lineups, but I cannot stress enough that you can submit your lineup as early as you want. There is no need to field such exclusive rosters.

Highest Score: Kingpins Of Crime (147.38 points)

The Kingpins of Crime have finally cemented their claim on the criminal underworld and thumped The Realest in their impressively scored 147 points. This dominance was, for the most part, predicated on the Ravens’ & Eagles’ offenses. Lamar was the QB #1 on the week (beating Mahomes by 0.02 points). AJ Brown was the WR #2 and Goedert was the TE #5 in a week of massive tight end performances. These players are not impossible to miss, but you do have to carefully select and manage them to wait for the optimal time to strike. Tosh’s Kingpins picked the two most exciting games to anchor this stacked roster and it paid off. The Zay Flowers & D’Andre Swift choices were merely cherries on top of the fantasy point bonanza. Scanning the rest of the lineup, you’ll observe the Browns D and Jerome Ford in the mix. Despite boasting the highest point total on the week, the Colts/Browns matchup led to some delicious points for the Browns DST, namely in the form of one Myles ‘Sledgehammer’ Garrett. This strategy of picking a couple of people each from exploitable matchups is a savvy one and has led Tosh all the way to a commanding lead over The Realest. Despite being nearly 100 points ahead of the second-highest point total team in the Wario Division, Kingpins are firmly sat in the middle of the division, sitting 2 wins behind Scrantonicity 5. Will they push to vie in the postseason, or will they merely flirt with greatness? Time will tell as we cross the halfway point of the fantasy regular season!

Biggest Blowout: Saquon Deez Nutz vs CobbSlobbers (63.32 points)

In a statement win against Deez Nutz, Austin and the Slobbers triumphed in a massive way. We’ll start slow and end with a bang as we dissect this symphony of points. The CobbSlobbers crashed into the common pitfall that afflicted many teams this week – starting Purdy. The lackluster and borderline irrelevant play from the man netted a marginal 12.78 points. And against the Vikings too! A trio of so-so performances from McLaurin, Flowers, and Marquise Brown totaled just over 30 points altogether. But, here’s where the big guns come out. Jahmyr Gibbs – BOOM. Mark Andrews – BOOM! And of course, the ringer. The one true kicker to rule them all. Back to Gibbs though, the #12 overall pick maintained a very impressive stat line despite the blowout loss to the Ravens. Making the most of his modest workload, he rushed 11 times for 68 yards and a touchdown. Through the air, the back caught nine balls for 58 yards! A wonderfully complimentary performance. Continuing the week’s theme of high end tight ends, Mandrews managed to haul in four catches on six targets for 63 yards. That would get a player 10.3 points. However, I neglected to mention that half of his catches this week were for touchdowns. Bang. Bang.

Yet, the true powerhouse and driving engine of this masterpiece was Dustin Hopkins who tallied 22 points as Cleveland’s kicker. 77 points were scored in the game, so you know some kicking had to happen. The 33-year-old managed to kick perfectly, recording three extra points and four field goals! Step aside, Myles Garrett. There’s a new MVP of the Browns around. In all seriousness, this was a historic kicking showout. His field goals were from 44, 54, 54, and 58 yards away. Yes, the CobbSlobbers would have achieved victory if they rostered any other kicker, but I believe that Hopkins was the inspiration that elevated the rest of the team to greatness.

Closest Matchup: Jerry West’s Office Window vs Dez Still Caught It (3.42 points)

In this tightly contested matchup, the rosters strangely looked almost nothing alike. Typically there will be a neutralized player or two. Or at least there might be a similarly scoring cross-positional player. But here? Practically nothing was the same (barring the 5-point kicker performance.) Last year’s champion, Dez Still Caught It submitted a rather lean lineup, highlighted by a wimpy star performance from Josh Jacobs. Elsewhere, his lineup looks normal, if not winning! Cashing in on the great games from Goedert and Palmer, Miller came into MNF needing ~25 points from his starting QB and best WR slot. 25 points against the Vikings? Easy money. You’d think that at least. Rather, Purdy (as chronicled above) had a stifled game against Minnesota, landing the Super Bowl-hopeful Niners on the back foot with a two-game losing streak. Jerry West’s Office Window, meanwhile, could watch both night games with ease, not having to worry about any of those players. All in all, I think you lay this one at the feet of Josh Jacobs. He’s the fulcrum from which victory or defeat would have been decided. Instinctively you might assume the Bears are a bottom-tier rushing defense. Au contraire, dear reader! The Bears are only giving up a stingy 82.3 rushing yards per game on the year (but only 38 yards per game over the last three weeks!) With this context, Jacobs’ 11-35-0 makes some more sense. Still though, I feel certain that Dez still felt entitled to a more dominant outcome, which would have secured. dub.

Biggest Find: Jordan Addison (31.3 points)

Only one squad had the brilliance to roster Mr. Jordan Addison this week. Only one team was privileged enough to ride his coattails to an easy breezy victory. Only one fantasy manager out of the 36 of us had the crystal clear foresight to envision the monstrous 7-123-2 line that the #23 overall pick could produce! Of course, there could be only one team, and that would be the glorious team Web. After patiently overseeing the entirety of TNF, the Sunday morning slate, the few Sunday afternoon games, and the eventual SNF game, team Web emerged from his Fortress of Solitude to lay down the smack with his lineup. Who needs 13 games to pick a lineup from? Not Web! Just one game will suffice. Two offenses, with about 15 viable players to fill in a 9-player roster.

In any case, whether it was indeed true genius or perhaps desperation, Addison did his best Justin Jefferson impression and glided across U.S Bank Stadium with maximum ease. Addison reeled in 32% of Cousins’ passing yards while yanking down just a fifth of his completed throws. Mind you, all of this occurred with him not finishing the game! He left the game during the third quarter with cramps. Of course, he did return; but, one imagines what the emergent stud could do with a full count of potential snaps. Addison finishes as the #1 Wideout on the week, outpacing known commodities like Tyreek Hill, AJ Brown, and Puka “Robert Woods” Nacua. The Vikings fans may have not won a Super Bowl yet, but at least they always know how to draft wide receivers.

Honorable Mention: D’Onta Foreman (33 points)

Biggest Bust: Brock Purdy (12.78 points)

Much has already been discussed about Mr. Purdy and his surprising performance, but now we get to all complain as one. 10 teams rostered Mr. Irrelevant, and six teams suffered a loss. Now, some of these losses were forgone conclusions. But in the case of yours truly, Dez Still Caught It, and Titan Your Butthole, there was hope that our starting quarterback could make some magic happen. One long touchdown pass was likely all that was needed to transform some losses into wins. But the football gods care not. Purdy ended the night with 21 completed passes out of 30, 272 passing yards, a touchdown, and a pair of interceptions. The interceptions were also killer, just because of their subtractive quality. Through a month, it looked like Purdy might have been an MVP candidate, leading the league’s best team to victory after victory. But if the last two weeks have shown us anything, it’s to never count anyone out.

Weekly Oddity:

1. Three inactive players were rostered this week!
   • James Conner (IR), David Montgomery (inactive), Kyren Williams (IR)
2. No more winless teams! With Web’s victory, everyone is on the board.
3. Similarly, we have no loss-less teams. Boswell has fallen to Freak of Nature and now the battle resets for the all-important one seed.
4. Among those vying for the top position is Scrantonicity 5 who is on a 6-game winning streak after their week 1 loss. Inversely, I am 1/6 and am doing so, so poorly.
5. The newcomers continue to beat up on us vets, with five victories among new teams!

Playoff Watch:

The first six teams are the Division Winners. Top 14 teams are playoff teams.

1. She Sucks My Boswell (6-1)
2. Scrantonicity 5 (6-1)
3. Woman in S.P.O.R.T.S (5-2)
4. Southport Skegs (5-2)
5. Kirk Cochainz (5-2)
6. Freak of Nature (4-3)
7. End Zone Jones (6-1)
8. AR5 Fan Club (6-1)
9. The Hens (5-2)
10. skol! go yikes (5-2)
11. Love Me Sexy (5-2)
12. The Realest (4-3)
13. Lannisters (4-3)
14. Kingpins Of Crime (4-3)
15. Drew Crew (4-3)
16. The Good Guys (4-3)
17. Jerry West’s Office Window (4-3)
18. Krusty Krab Pizzas (4-3)
19. Skid Marks (3-4)
20. Titan Your Butthole (3-4)
21. Billy Hoyle’s Big Bounce Academy (3-4)
22. CobbSlobbers (3-4)
23. Scorebox Munchers (3-4)
24. Dez Still Caught It (3-4)
25. Saquon Deez Nuts (3-4)
26. lansing leopards (3-4)
27. Gamecocks (3-4)
28. Jalen “oh god yes it” Hurts (3-4)
29. Bob Barker’s House of Pain (2-5)
30. Waller? Hardly Know Her (2-5)
31. Just the tip Jefferson (1-6)
32. Just Setting Lineups So I Don’t Get Fined (1-6)
33. The Funks (1-6)
34. Pay Day Gray (1-6)
35. Adam Schefter’s Sources (1-6)
36. team Web (1-6)