“What happens to a football player when they go blind? They become a referee.” – Woman in S.P.O.R.T.S
Well, despite some technical difficulties, the site is back up and running and we have a write-up to publish to meet the unsatiated desires of this league.
The Zombie Award: Skid Marks (153.66 points)
It sure was a spooky Sunday and change for football fans and more. Read more to find out!
Dead, but not forgotten, Skid Marks emerged from the fray with a STAGGERING 150+ point lineup to smash The Realest in an extremely consequential divisional matchup. Coming into this week, Skid Marks had made the costly error of attempting to roster Michael Thomas twice. This cost them that win, which put them on the back foot for the Mario Division, where Woman in S.P.O.R.T.S commands, with a two-win margin of victory. Not being a slouch, Skid Marks, buckled up their britches and said enough was enough. This lineup was like a steak dinner. Fine glass of wine, scalloped potatoes, bone-in ribeye. All the fixings. This madman rostered Kelce, A.J Brown, McCaffrey, and Josh the Wild Stallion Allen all in the same bunch. Try trading for this team in real life and you may have to sacrifice your first-born. Was this win high-capital? Yes. Was it worth it? Absolutely. Had Skid Marks submitted a sub-par to middling lineup, this would not be the necessary victory that they ended up earning. With this is win, Skid Marks enters the three-way tie for second, with eyes on first place. They may have been dead. They may have had an eye out of their socket. But! They rose. And rose with a vengeance! The Skid Marks remain a team to beat and never, EVER, count out of contention.
The Vampire Blood-Sucker Award: Adam Schefter’s Sources vs. team web (101.58 points)
Mercy. A word that never entered the vocabulary of one Adam Schefter’s Sources. The former champion has fallen on hard times. Has he given up? Has he thrown in the towel? Nay. He is embittered and better than ever to beat even the most likely teams in the Big League. Facing the, now, two-time blank rosterer, team Web, he saw no reason to let up. Instead, our friend took team Web by the waist, lowered them deep, said “Goodnight”, and bit into their neck with such ferocity that it sucked them clean out of their blood. This lineup saw the likes of no fewer than 4 former first-round draft picks. Cooper, Hockenson, Ridley, and Barkley would be the makings of a GM’s dream! Yet, in this league format, it can be your starting lineup. Thusly, did A.S.S utterly demolish team Web into oblivion. Despite missed text messages and pleas to submit someone, anyone(!) Web relinquished themselves to yet another loss and a shameless one that will cost him not only dignity but $15.
The Mummy Gauze Tightly Contested Award: The Funks vs Jalen “oh god yes it” Hurts (2.02 points)
Yes. It’s me. I’m the problem. I swear to you, I like football. I watch it excitedly every week. I follow the news. I watch TV shows. I listen to podcasts. I am informed! I probably know the second cornerback on your favorite team. However, ashamedly, I am apparently so bad at Fantasy Football. Your humble commissioner stands at a terrible 1/7 record, a fingernail’s width away from last place. I spent most of the summer attempting to figure out this website and coordinating with you yahoos on getting this straight. By all accounts, I should be a fantasy wizard. Alas, even when I shell out with all shred of competition, I lose. Jared Goff started the game with a 44-yard completion to Amon-Ra St. Brown and it looked like the Jalens were cooked. Cue the Arrested Development guy, they were not cooked. No, of course, he played the QB #1 on the week, a tight end who outscored practically everyone, and Gibbs who woke up and realized he was the #12 pick overall and acted like it. Ouchie. With every rushing attempt instead of pass, I felt the gauze tighten on my throat. The pyramid was built, and I didn’t realize I was doomed. But by Halloween, I was mummified, bound, and buried. Sigh. \
The Reese’s Cup Award: AJ Brown (33 points)
Sometimes you want to treat the kids, you want to reward them. Sometimes they deserve the name brand. When that happens, you hand out the Reese’s. Do Reese’s cost more? Yes. Are they worth it? 100%. Four teams opted to play the stud this week and all those teams won (except me). Meaningless stat corner! A.J. Brown is the first player EVER to record 125+ yards and a touchdown in 6 straight games. Reminder, Randy Moss existed. This dude is special. Actually – he’s not just special. He’s exceptional. Writing this in Kentucky, I can’t help but think about this moment with the Titans. This guy is legit; he’s serious; he’s franchise worthy; he’s generational; he’s whatever. What’s insane is the fact that he could conceivably double this next week. Divisional rival Cowboys who are Diggs-less? Put it in the books. Trick or treat, A.J. Brown serves up defeat.
The Dental Floss Award: Jared Goff (12.68 points)
Y’know when you’re a kid and you’re trick-or-treating and it’s M&Ms and Snickers everywhere and then someone hits you with the doorstopper of floss. FLOSS? What are we doing? These kids are trying to get cavities not prevent gingivitis! Four teams played Goff. And I may be personally slighted, but it bothered me that in a 26-14 win, the quarterback could only muster a paltry 12 points. C’mon! It was a back-breaking, soul-crushing, embarrassment of a performance by the former 1st overall pick.
No weekly oddities today.
Playoff Watch:
The first six teams are the Division Winners. Top 14 teams are playoff teams.
- End Zone Jones (7-1)
- Scrantonicity 5 (7-1)
- Woman in S.P.O.R.T.S (6-2)
- The Hens (6-2)
- Freak of Nature (5-3)
- She Sucks My Boswell (6-2)
- skol! go yikes (6-2)
- AR5 Fan Club (6-2)
- Drew Crew (5-3)
- Southport Skegs (5-3)
- Love Me Sexy (5-3)
- Kirk Cochainz (5-3)
- Skid Marks (4-4)
- The Realest (4-4)
- Lannisters (4-4)
- Kingpins Of Crime (4-4)
- Titan Your Butthole (4-4)
- Billy Hoyle’s Big Bounce Academy (4-4)
- Jerry West’s Office Window (4-4)
- Dez Still Caught It (4-4)
- CobbSlobbers (4-4)
- The Good Guys (4-4)
- Krusty Krab Pizzas (4-4)
- Saquon Deez Nuts (4-4)
- Gamecocks (4-4)
- Jalen “oh god yes it” Hurts (4-4)
- Scorebox Munchers (3-5)
- lansing leopards (3-5)
- Just Setting Lineups So I Don’t Get Fined (2-6)
- Just the tip Jefferson (2-6)
- Waller? Hardly Know Her (2-6)
- Bob Barker’s House of Pain (2-6)
- Adam Schefter’s Sources (2-6)
- The Funks (1-7)
- Pay Day Gray (1-7)
- team Web (1-7)
