Week 13 Recap

words of widsom:

“listen to your tummy, for it knows your true self”- CobbSlobbers

Is the write-up coming in a day late on such an important week? What is this amateur hour? Apologies to those who waited on their lawn for the paper boy, but better late than never, huh!

Let’s continue without further adieu.


  1. Candidly, I have been racked with other tasks and have been lax about coordinating payments. Since I have been summarily eliminated from playoff contention, my primary focus will be getting payments in!
    • This being said, if you know you haven’t paid, go ahead and get me $30 @Turner-Manley on venmo. Furthermore, if you were one of the sorry saps who submitted a blank lineup, hit me with that supplemental $15. This week will surely boost that fund.
  2. The playoffs begin next week. Get ready, rally the troops, prepare your locker room speeches. I will also be posting below the playoff matches if they begin today.
  3. If you are out of contention, please be sure to set a lineup. Don’t let anyone skate by! Play the spoiler! Last of all, don’t get fined!
  4. Lastly, as the regular season ends, I’d ask that you reflect on this season of Big League fantasy. A survey will come at year’s end, but we’re always open to hearing your thoughts.

Highest Scorer: Dez Still Caught It (193 points)

“Everybody get up, it’s time to slam now
We got a real jam goin’ down
Welcome to the Space Jam”

I know that in the movie, MJ and the ‘Toons eventually beat the Monstars. But this tilt between competitors, Dez and Kingpins felt as unbalanced as Cartoon Network’s morning slate vs ‘roided up aliens who trained with Bird and Magic. 193 points is a mighty impressive feat at this point in the season. Dez isn’t quite playing the long game as much as he’s playing the two-week game. Ensuring this win puts him at 7-6 but buoys his point total to rise the ranks among the bloated 7-6 teams. Will this be enough to get him one of those last few spots? Keep reading to find out.

In any case, his team is starter central. Kyren Williams and Derrick Henry are among the very few running backs who demand almost the entirety of team rushing attempts. The word bell cow comes to mind. If there were ever a bell-cow wideout, it would be future OPOY Tyreek Hill who is simply unstoppable. Hill is currently 3rd in overall targets by the way (just behind Keenan Allen and Michael Pittman Jr.). This was the week to make a few splashy high-upside bets though. Deebo nabbed three total touchdowns and cemented himself as the YAC King. Top it off with Evan Engram’s performance of the year and you’re set. No one let Dez Still Caught It down, but time will tell if this matters at all to make the playoff race.

Biggest Blowout: Teams rostering Lineups vs Empties (blowouts)

There have been four real-life shutouts in the NFL this season. Most recently, the Chargers nominally beat the Pats in a 6-0 dub. The Pats also got shut out by the Saints this season on October 8th (34-0). In Week 9, the indomitable Cleveland Brown defense trounced the placeholder Cardinals 27-0. And who could forget the 40-0 announcement of the Cowboys early in the season when they spanked the Giants? Four times this season is on par for an average season. However, there are 272 games total in an 18-week, 32-team season. I through all this around to point out the ludicrousness of there being five (5!!!) empty lineups this week. In the penultimate week of the regular season, when every single win or loss could mean the whole season for a given squad! To just phone it in like this is disappointing, unsightly, and confusing. An interesting point I’ve heard about the NFL is something along the lines of: not every team is trying to win the Super Bowl. Only a select few are. In fantasy football, however, there’s no re-building, there’s no job security, rather, there is only winning and losing. I’m not going to enumerate those teams that left empty rosters. And I should say, I’m not upset, per se. But I do think the fact that roughly 1/7 of the league called in sick for Sunday deserves a flashlight shone on them. Let’s get back to the grind this week, folks!

*This is all not even mentioning the $75 in fines that this week will rally.

Closest Matchup: Titan Your Butthole vs CobbSlobbers (3.53 points)

To pick up where I left off, this is what I’m talking about. CobbSlobbers has had an up-and-down, but ultimately ascendant slope toward the playoffs this season. Butthole, however, is all but eliminated. It would have been easy to throw in the towel, go softly into the sweet night, and let Slobbers cruise to 8/5. Instead, we have some real juice! A real fight!

In this low-scoring affair, Austin and the Slobbers went bargain-bin hunting, with the notable exception of Lawrence and Brian Robinson. We’ve seen it work, but, more frequently, this tactic yields middling results. In this instance, his running back duo couldn’t break eight points. A respectable, but pedestrian, wideout trio notched 10+ a pop, but Njoku’s 3.7 points sunk this ship like a Justin Herbert cannon shot. Across the bow, Butthole didn’t want to play around. All across his lineup were likely studs and worthwhile plays. Moss will take the backfield; White has been better than people realize; McLaurin, Pickens, and Wilson are all uber-talented and due for a monster game; Kittle is on a resurgent tear! All the makings for a contending Highest Score award-winner. Alas, the fantasy reaper visits. Rashaad White is the only pick Luke and the ‘Holes can be proud of. He even weathered a very scary Terry 0.0 points. At 28 years old for McLaurin, one wonders if not now, when will he get the chance to breakout the way it seems he could? We don’t want another Allen Robinson situation on our hands. Through the storm, Titan Your Butthole emerged victorious, denying CobbSlobbers a red carpet to the playoffs. Well done.

Biggest Find: Jake Ferguson (19.7 points)

In a year where overall scoring is down, the last pick of last year’s draft is the front-runner for MVP, and we might have the most coaching turnover in recent history, one bright spot in the NFL landscape has been the ascendant star of rookie/second year tight ends. Between Dalton Kincaid, Sam LaPorta, Luke Musgrave in this year’s class, and Cade Otton, Trey McBride, and Jake Ferguson of last year’s, there are suddenly plentiful viable pass catchers in the Mad Max-esque landscape of tight end. But today, we’re highlighting Billy Hoyle’s Big Bounce Academy‘s inspired pick to roster Fergilicious against Freak of Nature who, himself, rostered former Dallas tight end Schultz. While Jake was the 4th highest scoring at position, this week saw sky-high tight end performances. 13 different tight ends scored 9 points or more in week 13 (coincidence?). I’m picking Ferguson over the other players, because this was the singular move that I think brought victory to the Academy. The margin of victory was about 25 points and Freak‘s Schultz did nada nothing. Ferguson not only brought positional advantages to Billy Hoyle, but also buoyed the aforementioned nothing-burger from McLaurin. Yes, Lamb, Chubba, and Lawrence were the top point scorers, but this secured dub doesn’t occur without the new sheriff in Dallas, Jake Ferguson. And this sheriff appointed a new deputy in the Luigi Division.

Biggest Bust: Terry McLaurin (0 points)

You know you’re a really big bust when you’re getting your third mention in a write-up. Five teams rostered Mr. McLaurin but those teams probably feel more like an Oldsmobile. Looking at McLaurin’s game log in his five-year career is kind of fascinating. Did you know he has only missed two total games? The man is seemingly injury proof! In these 76 games he has recorded three or fewer targets just three times! In week 6 of his rookie year, he commanded just two targets in a 9-0 shutout against the 9ers (ironic). Again in week 14 of 2021 he received 3 targets, basically two years ago. Since then, he has gotten four or more targets each week on a commendably consistent basis. According to this site, McLaurin is #1 in routes (193) ‘won’. This passes the eye test too. The man looks amazing on the field! Yet in his brief five-year career, he has had 10 different starting QBs. How many can you name? Case Keenum, Dwayne Haskins, Colt McCoy, Alex Smith, Kyle Allen, Taylor Heinicke, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Garret Gilbert, Carson Wentz, and Sam Howell. Unless Howell gets benched, this will be the first time that he doesn’t have three different starting Quarterbacks in a year. I don’t blame McLaurin for putting up this goose egg. I blame the ghost of Dan Synder. But blame doesn’t give you a rebate for points. Trade the man for goodness’ sake!

Playoff Watch:

One week left! Top teams in the division get the first six spots. Top 14 make the playoffs. Provisional matchups will be below.

  1. Scrantonicity 5 (11-2) 1448.06
  2. End Zone Jones (10-3) 1525.32
  3. Skid Marks (8-5) 1634.74
  4. Billy Hoyle’s Big Bounce Academy (8-5) 1490.14
  5. Saquon Deez Nuts (8-5) 1393.74
  6. Freak of Nature (7-6) 1482.06
  7. She Sucks My Boswell (9-4) 1549.26
  8. Drew Crew (8-5) 1572.48
  9. The Hens (8-5) 1489.6
  10. Love Me Sexy (8-5) 1474.08
  11. skol! go yikes (8-5) 1455.18
  12. AR5 Fan Club (8-5) 1404.74
  13. Woman in S.P.O.R.T.S (7-6) 1552.92
  14. Lannisters (7-6) 1551.54
  15. Dez Still Caught It (7-6) 1537.08
  16. CobbSlobbers (7-6) 1433.08
  17. Krusty Krab Pizzas (7-6) 1425.4
  18. The Good Guys (7-6) 1410.36
  19. Jalen “oh god yes it” Hurts (7-6) 1373.32
  20. Kirk Cochainz (7-6) 1366.2
  21. Southport Skegs (7-6) 1340.28
  22. Gamecocks (7-6) 1320.74
  23. The Realest (6-7) 1559.8
  24. Jerry West’s Office Window (6-7) 1468.12
  25. Titan Your Butthole (6-7) 1447.7
  26. Kingpins Of Crime (5-8) 1434.04
  27. lansing leopards (5-8) 1407.4
  28. Bob Barker’s House of Pain (5-8) 1340.2
  29. Scorebox Munchers (5-8) 1232.08
  30. Adam Schefter’s Sources (5-8) 1084.24
  31. Just the tip Jefferson (4-9) 1324.82
  32. Just Setting Lineups So I Don’t Get Fined (4-9) 1219.22
  33. The Funks (3-10) 1349.62
  34. Waller? Hardly Know Her (3-10) 1284.68
  35. team Web (3-10) 919.52
  36. Pay Day Gray (2-11) 1279.64

Playoff Mock Up:

Round 1/Week 15: Scrantonicity 5 & End Zone Jones recieve byes. (#) denotes seeding.

Skid Marks (3) vs Lannisters (14)

Billy Hoyle’s Big Bounce Academy (4) vs Woman in S.P.O.R.T.S (13)

Saquon Deez Nuts (5) vs AR5 Fan Club (12)

Freak of Nature (6) vs skol! go yikes (11)

She Sucks My Boswell (7) vs Love Me Sexy (10)

Drew Crew (8) vs The Hens (9)

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