Regular Season Finale Recap

words of wisdom: “Just win, baby” – Al Davis — Turner Manley

Well, just like that another excellent regular season concludes. The season will continue for 14 lucky teams. I will be putting together some exit survey material for everyone so we can get feedback on this year. In any case, we move on with the write-up.


  1. The playoff matches are below and we’re set! Division winners are the top six teams as I’ve posted for the last few months.
  2. For those playoff teams, REMEMBER THERE ARE SATURDAY GAMES. I will be watching the playoff teams to make sure there are no late-entries of players.
  3. Venmo requests for dues have been issued. Still waiting on a few.
  4. Fines! I think the fines were solid and curbed the empty rosters. Nonetheless, we incurred 14 total empty rosters. As a reminder, each fine is $15. Here’s the breakdown:

1 fine: Justing Setting Lineups, Kingpins of Crime, Gamecocks, Just the tip Jefferson, Southport Skegs, Scorebox Munchers

3 fines: Adam Schefter’s Sources

4 fines: team Web

Highest Scorer: Dez Still Caught It (164.44 points)

Well, the madman did it. Going on an unprecedented points spree in this league paid off for Miller and the Caught Its. This team stomped the piddling Waller squad by over 50 points. His roster scored nine touchdowns alone! However, Miller needed every point he could get his paws on, as this was pretty much a win and in scenario. Dez might have caught the ball way back when, but this effort was not enough to secure the Waluigi division title. Second place will have to suffice for last year’s winner and will gran his team a spot in the playoffs. In fact, Dez Still Caught It is the only former winner or runner-up who is appearing in the playoffs this year. Time will tell if we have a repeat winner on our hands.

Biggest Blowout: Southport Skegs vs The Hens (52.58 points)

While there are five other larger margins of victory, I chose this tilt for the award. If you’ve been a faithful reader of these unasked-for write-ups, you know I love a good point total doubling up. And in this instance, Andie and the Hens just molly-whopped Colin and the Skegs. Colin’s team at one point in the season looked like a savvy squad that accumulated win after win on its way to a division title! Yet over the recent stretch of the season, it’s like the engine just stopped working and the car was coming to a final, merciful stop. A record-setting five roster spots recorded zero points, including a puzzling Mecole Hardman selection (he’s on IR). Two Washington players gave 0 points seeing as they were on bye. Otherwise, this lineup had legs! The Hens meanwhile took full advantage. She may have needed to wait till Monday night to see DHop ball out, but Njoku’s masterclass was enough to secure a dub. In a divisional matchup that might’ve tied up some records, we got a genuine blowout.

Closest Matchup: Love Me Sexy vs CobbSlobbers (1.78 points)

Speaking of tight divisional matchups, holy sheesh. CobbSlobbers have been this season’s Charlie Brown. Every time they get the football, the mud trips them up, someone clotheslines them, or they just fumble the ball at the last second. And why would the last week of the season be any different? Aside from the obvious neutralized play of Achane, these rosters resemble each other greatly! CEH and Najee had similar outputs, fitting for the two first-round running backs of recent years. Johnston and Olave got pretty much the same score. And the kickers both got eight points. Love Me Sexy probably was hoping for more firepower out of Josh Allen, but when he’s only player out of 18 total to break 20 points, it’s probably worth it. This game, though, came down to a rock fight between Nick Folk and Dontavyion Wicks. One more extra point, one dropped pass. That was the difference here in this Monday night decision-maker. Perhaps it just wasn’t meant to be. I’m not guaranteeing it, but if we give Cobb the win, they move to 8-6 and Sexy also moves to 8-6. It looks like Sexy still makes the playoffs, however, Cobb would have been the 15th team, just 9 points shy of winning. Football is a game of inches, decimals, and narrow margins. Tough break, CobbSlobbers.

Biggest Find: Brandon Aubrey (22 points)

This man’s life is something straight out of a movie. There’s nothing I can write here that will spice it up or be more interesting than the straight facts. So here’s a couple links.


Biggest Bust: Tyreek Hill (10.1 points)

Here’s the part where I can finally talk about the people’s Offensive Player of the Year (yes, I have a $5 bet at +2000). When you have a receiver who is a man possessed to break the single-season receiving yards record, four catches for sixty-one yards is about as ho-hum as it comes. Six teams played the Cheetah, probably saving him for this very occasion. Of those six teams half won, but that’s skewed because four teams neutralized the play of Hill by playing him across their opponent! You’d think Hill would be able to run up and down on the Titans to the tune of 200 yards and 3 touchdowns. But, no, he was mostly limited with a darn ankle injury that left him in check. I wonder which, if any, teams have saved him for the playoffs. Let’s find out!

Final League Standings:

1 End Zone Jones (11-3) 1685.82
2 Scrantonicity 5
(11-3) 1516.48
3 Skid Marks
(9-5) 1720.48
4 Billy Hoyle’s Big Bounce Academy
(9-5) 1609.6
5 Saquon Deez Nuts
(9-5) 1541.96
6 Jalen “oh god yes it” Hurts
(8-6) 1487.64
7 She Sucks My Boswell
(10-4) 1665.5
8 Love Me Sexy
(9-5) 1575
9 The Hens
(9-5) 1593.44
10 Dez Still Caught It
(9-5) 1701.52
11 Drew Crew (8-6) 1668.8
12 Woman in S.P.O.R.T.S
(8-6) 1652.36
13 The Good Guys
(8-6) 1543.28
14 skol! go yikes
(8-6) 1540.72
15 Krusty Krab Pizzas
(8-6) 1518.78
16 AR5 Fan Club
(8-6) 1492.82
17 Gamecocks
(8-6) 1438.36
18 The Realest
(7-7) 1672.58
19 Lannisters
(7-7) 1662.28
20 Freak of Nature
(7-7) 1554.36
21 CobbSlobbers
(7-7) 1532.22
22 Kirk Cochainz
(7-7) 1471.08
23 Southport Skegs
(7-7) 1391.54
24 Jerry West’s Office Window
(6-8) 1564
25 Kingpins of Crime
(6-8) 1550.28
26 Titan Your Butthole
(6-8) 1536.1
27 Bob Barker’s House of Pain
(5-9) 1440.62
28 lansing leopards
(5-9) 1407.41
29 Scorebox MunchersBob Barker’s House of Pain
(5-9) 1299.46
30 Adam Schefter’s sources
(5-9) 1084.24
31 Just the tip Jefferson
(4-10) 1447.56
32 The Funks
(4-10) 1443.02
33 Just Setting Lineups So I Don’t Get Fined
(4-10) 1314.46
34 Waller? Hardly Know Her
(3-11) 1395.9
35 Pay Day Gray
(3-11) 1387.24
36 team Web
(3-11) 919.52


Bye weeks: End Zone Jones & Scrantonicity 5

Skid Marks (#3) vs skol! go yikes (#14)

Billy Hoyle’s Big Bounce Academy (#4) vs The Good Guys (#13)

Saquon Deez Nuts (#5) vs Woman in S.P.O.R.T.S (#12)

Jalen “oh god yes it” Hurts (#6) vs Drew Crew (#11)

She Sucks My Boswell (#7) vs Dez Still Caught It (#10)

Love Me Sexy (#8) vs The Hens (#9)

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