Week 1 was a point explosion. Week 2 was the aftershock. Here’s your weekly write-up.

Highest Scorer: Southport Skegs (201.96 points)

Coming to you live from ChatGPT comes Colin’s roster! After blanking the morning slate, Colin took the futurist’s way out and deferred responsibility to our water-guzzling overlords. Beep boop bop – Altman’s creation said “ah, gotcha. I totally get what you’re going for.” Dak, CMC, K-9, Davante Adams, CD, Kittle, Butker and the scrubby picks of Denver D & Scary Terry rounded out this rock-em sock-em roster. Despite my distaste for AI, there is no denying the power in playing the hits. Sometimes it fails you, and other times it lands you 200 undeniable points. Colin will get to coast on this point total for a few weeks, leading the Guinea Pig division at 2-0, but he may need to operate more creatively sooner than later.

Sucks for the bastards who tallied 141.16 points. She would’ve beat 33 other teams. But today, Colin Kruse, you are a rich man. Enjoy your $15.

Biggest Blowout:  The Good Guys vs. Eating Poop @ The Eagles Parade (94.46 points)

A rare sight – the previous LOSER in the Biggest Blowout is now the winner! To pull an ESPN time-wasting ploy, I’ll pose the question: did Joe win this game or did Zane lose? From your humble Commissioner’s POV, both are true. Joe and the Parade hit two bullseyes with two dart throws: Denzel Boston & Dalton Schultz. Furthermore, he picked 33-year-old Davante Adams in his 3rd best game ever (8-195-2). And most importantly, no one killed him. Meanwhile, Zane couldn’t light a candle in a match factory. Just pathetic picks like Wentz (6.32), Stevenson (3.6), Black (2.5), and Johnston (2.4) returned worse dividends than your BlackBerry stock in 2026. 

71.12 points is not the lowest points scored in week 2, but it sure didn’t stand a fighter’s chance against the bullying that Joe cooked up.

Closest Call:  Skid Marks  vs. TheNuke (2.86 points)

Another roster likely authored by AI is, this time, the victim of that dereliction of duty. Before we continue, we can discuss the basic facts– Brian’s Marks pulled out a narrow victory, an upset, really, over the positively stacked assembly that TheNuke potentially solicited from a chatbot. 

However, I’m going to drill down on Jesse’s choice not to sub out Puka here. Big League™ has instituted the new rule that a few of you only recently encountered that rosters can not be tinkered with post-submission once the morning slate of games kicks off. 

Best Find:  Denzel Boston (20.5 points, played by TWO teams)

This week was mostly played chalk. And, by and large, the chalk was correct. For this reason, I’ll stray away from the heavy hitters. Denzel Boston caught my eye, as well as the eyes of Joe & Claire (Parade & Blitz). By some miracle, the 39th pick in the draft caught 5 balls for 95 yards and a score. The highlight was obviously the 55-yard bomb that injected life into the zombified corpus of Brownie the Elf. The miracle is less that Boston is a highly talented, big-bodied receiver, and more so that Watson was able to piece together a semblance of a starting quarterback performance. If Watson (or the Browns QB-by-committee) can do this a few more times throughout the season, then maybe there is life on Mars– which is to say maybe there can be points found in Cleveland.

There’s nowhere else to mention this, but Beaver Blitz, who rostered Boston, won by the satanic margin of 6.66 points. Spooky season has arrived.

Biggest Bust:  DJ Moore (-.1 point, played by FOUR teams)

10 minutes into Thursday Night’s week’s best game of Lions @ Bills, DJ Moore had his first taste of action. A jet sweep for -1 yard. He went down with a shoulder injury and didn’t return. The resulting five touchdowns scored after this injury do call into question the purpose of Mr. Moore, if I’m being honest. But I was curious: why did they rush him on a jet sweep? Well, I must’ve been living under a rock because the last two years, DJ rushed 14 & 15 times for ~75 each. That’s no 2021-era Deebo Samuel, but it’s not nothing. 

I don’t know, man. DJ Moore is 29 years old, and like many 29-year-olds, I think he’s lost in life. He’s on his third team, injured for the eleventieth time. And the world spun on without him. It feels like playing DJ Moore is just wasting a spot on your roster. And this week, it was. -.1 point is a loogie to the face. Especially on Thursday. Good news? He’s out a while, and you won’t have to deal with him.